Moments

There are moments when I sit here in my life, and wonder what has become of me.  I feel like so many bits and pieces have been removed from me.  I feel broken, unable to do the things I think that God created me to do.  But the reality is that if God created me to do them, then I believe that I would be doing those things. I think God created this me for a reason, and I just don't know why.  It just all hurts so bad.  I can put a smile on my face, or say the things I think people need to hear.  But right here I can just be me, and say that I hurt.  My leg hurts, my back hurts, and in reality my heart hurts too.  I feel that I have fallen apart, and just wish I could do more.  And just when I feel like there is nothing more of me, I remember that God is big enough to handle this and He will carry me through.  I can know this in my heart, but there are moments when it all just hurts, and my head forgets.

I am having one of those moments tonight.

Night Two

I cannot believe that I got back on the bike again tonight.

Stats = 25 mins and 7 miles

The pain was so much today.  I didn't know how I would make it to tonight.  There were many times I could do nothing else but cry.  I needed to cry.  I am not angry at God in the slightest bit about what has happened to me.  But I am so furious with this body.  I want to regain control over something.  And I am unsure about any other way than to just keep pressing through the pain.  I need to regain some strength.  So no matter what my body felt today, and will tomorrow, I am going to keep pressing forward.  I will try tomorrow night as well.  All the same pain as yesterday happened tonight.  Except today was harder because for most of the day I have been unable to breathe.

I so wish my physical therapist, who has seen me through everything, could be here to help me tomorrow.  I wish that if knowing I did Physical Therapy again, that she would be there.  But she is not here, and if I start that, I have to start over.  I will miss her dearly.

So I did it one more night.  And I hope many more nights to come.  God has carried me through another day.

No Pain, No Gain

I am not sure if this is true...well the pain part is.  Tonight I decided to push myself; and biked:

20 mins = 5.5 miles

The pain was so much.  The moment my right foot hit the pedal, it was the same spiked nerve pain in my foot and leg that I experienced the day after my surgery.  So much pain.  Nothing I can do to stop it or control it.  Every day the same.  And not just my leg.  My pacemaker was burning, and it made it so hard to breathe.  I was gasping for air.  Holding my heart/pacemaker as hard as my hands could to slow down the heart rate and the burning.  I was determined.  I just wanted to prove that I could do it.  I needed to feel like I could do something.  My back pain was out of control, and yet at the same time it was screaming at me to push further.  To strengthen myself so it could support me with less pain.  That is what I want.  So, the entire time I biked, the pain was almost unbearable.  Yet, I kept saying I can do one more minute.  I just need to do one more minute.  And so I did.  For 20 mins.  Some may not think much of this, but for me this is my first step.  I have the same pain laying down.  Why not try to see if I cause more pain, I will gain something?  I am trapped now of course.  My leg totally unable wanting to move...every part of me aches.  But it masks the ache that my heart feels.  That my body feels.  Tonight I have a different pain.  A pain that is at the same time, pleasure.  I know that I did it.  I know that my back needs this.  So I will lay in pain tonight, as my leg is throbbing and my heart is burning.  It was worth it.

Will I gain anything from tonight?  I am not sure.  The pain was there, and I suppose I gained the confidence in knowing that I did it.  And that I will try again.  The pain will not go away, but I can try to help it.  I will push myself further.

Pain = Gain

The Lord will guide my steps.

Pain

The pain is intolerable tonight.  How can I be stronger than this?  How do I stop my sobs?  I want to be stronger, tougher and get past this.  But how?  I am frozen in this broken body, and it is so hard.

The pain has won tonight.

Rate your pain

I was thinking of the levels of pain.  You may or may not know, but when you go in for most things, the doctor asks you on a scale from 1-10 please rate your pain.  This is always a hard one for me.  See I have been told, and truly believe that I have a very high tolerance for pain.  I actually know this to be true, since I have been told by 6 doctors!  But my point is I usually rate my pain from a 6-9.  I have never said a 10, even though there are moments in days, or right after surgery that I would love to say 10.  But here is the thing, I always think of the one person out there who is going through so much more pain then me.  The one who has more suffering and must be at a 10.  I know and would say, I have two people whom I know very well that were in a motorcycle accident yesterday.  You may ask them, if they would come to in the ICU, to "rate your pain".  My gosh, how can they rate their pain.  They need bone reconstruction, and so much that I cannot even think of.  My heart pours out to them.  So even my VERY worst possible days, which today is one of them, I cannot rate my pain a 10.  For there are worse people suffering this very minute, and I only pray that a fraction of their pain can be taken from them, because I pray that only a fraction of my pain will be taken from me.  I can't help but sit here and cry for the pain I am in, but also for the pain that these two incredible people must be feeling.  Lord, be with them.  Guide them and give them strength.  For I know that without your strength, I would not be here today.  I would have not fought all those times you whispered in my ear to fight.  I would have given up.  Next time you rate your pain, like my mom said tonight, she has a headache, her pain feels like an 8.  Then she thinks of what I am experiencing and that rate goes to a 3.  We are all allowed to feel pain, and rate our pain according to our experience and body tolerances.  But always remember that there is someone else out there at this very moment suffering far more pain.  In that moment, take a deep breath, decide your rate is lower, and pray for those that suffer far more.

How do you rate your pain?

Crying

I am so tired of this broken body.  I feel like it has ruined so much of my life.  I keep telling myself that God has an ultimate plan for all of this, but what could this be?  I am crying so hard, and falling apart in despair, and I need Him so much.  I feel so alone.  I hate this...I hate falling apart.  I know it is probably good for me, but I am so tired of crying.  Lord, I am crying out to you tonight.  Please help me to know what I am supposed to do about everything.  Please Lord, give me some kind of light in this darkness right now.  Lord, only you can provide.  And only you can dry my tears.

I am tired of crying.

This is a hard day

This day has not been easy.  My pain has been worse than most days.  I could handle things if it was just one part, my back, my heart or my leg.  But today, it has been all three.  How does that happen?  Why does that happen?  My back feels like I have allowed my kids to jump on my scar over and over.  My heart feels broken in so many ways.  My leg has been heavy and harder to move.  That scares me.  I still have no idea what anything means for me.  So this day has not been an easy one.  This day I need to gather strength, where there is no strength other than with my conversation with the Lord.  I hate these days, because usually too much on my mind means that I don't sleep well.  And I am already tired.  Maybe today I will decide that it is done.  I will try and wake up tomorrow with a new hope.  After all, if we don't have hope in brighter days and better things to come, what is there to look forward to.

I will remember this day as a hard day.  Praying that tomorrow is a better one.

Life

Okay so this is not where I envisioned my life to be.  I love my life.  I feel blessed.  But right now I thought I would be a teacher or an accountant.  At the very least I would have a degree with a brighter future.  At times this makes me sad and I wonder if I have disappointed some people.  I know people had huge dreams for me, I mean heck I had bigger dreams for myself.  Ever since I can remember I wanted to be a teacher.  To make a difference in a child's life.  This is why I probably feel like such a failure.

I love my life, and that is not in question.  I have two beautiful children whom I adore with all my heart.  They are perfect to me.  I just cannot believe I have had 11 surgeries and am uncertain what is going to happen with my leg.  Why do we think we can even envision our own lives?  I mean in high school, let me tell you I had it all planned out.  The perfect job, the perfect husband, the perfect house, the perfect kids, the perfect version of myself, and just so happy.  Wow.  I look at that, and why have so much that is so unattainable.  I am guessing that I am not the only one who had "planned out" their life.  Now if you have gotten these things, I am happy for you.  Great for you.  But I am willing to bet, that most who envisioned their lives in high school are not the lives they are living.

So I guess the question for myself is what am I worth?  What defines me as a person?  Is it everything that I am not?  Is it defined by where I thought my life would be?  Or is it something that I do have and have done? I have two beautiful children, and despite my failures and surgeries, I am a great mother.  I have completely sacrificed everything for them.  My pregnancies alone show what kind of mother I am.  Would I do it all over again if it meant putting my life on hold again and feeling like death every day.  In a heartbeat.  No regrets.  They are worth it.  They make the sun shine even on my cloudy, rainy days.  Which I have been having a lot of lately.  They love me, and so I know I have done something right.  Besides, they smile.  That means something.  I am a great wife.  I love unconditionally and with everything I have to offer.  I want him to be happy.  His happiness means so much to me.  And when you love someone I believe that you want to make the other person happier than you try to make yourself.

So maybe I have made mistakes and feel like a failure.  And have had so many surgeries and live in constant pain, that makes living life very difficult.  And maybe my life is not where I thought it would be.  But just maybe life is better than where it would be.  Maybe I am supposed to be right where I am.  Even though it doesn't make sense, and I am left with so many questions.  After all I am not a total failure.  I am a good person, who cares so much about others.  I am a great and wonderful wife and mother.  I have such an amazing family and have had many accomplishments.  So I will try to stop worrying about tomorrow, because tomorrow has enough troubles of its own.  I will try to focus on the today and the now.  God does not give me more than I can bear.  And I am living proof of that.  Or maybe God has given me more than I can bear, so that way I cling to Him with everything I have.  Either way, God is the way through to the end.  He knows the plan.  If He wants it revealed to me, He will.

So this is my life.

Reasons

In the Bible, we are told there is a time for everything.  I know that this is true, but sometimes a person may wonder why is there a time for "this".  I mean seriously, what good can come from this?  Why would this need to happen?  I am not really wondering why, but just wish that answers would come faster than they actually do.  I know there is a reason for everything.  And so I will wait to find out my reasons.  I will try and wait very patiently to discover why things are happening in my life and the reasons behind them.

Discouraging

I decided yesterday I really strongly dislike the word "discouraging".  I am not without hope, but for whatever the reason, when my doctor said discouraging I wanted to scream.  He kept saying, and I am serious like 20 times, how discouraging this situation must be starting over.  I hate that the last two years were really for nothing.  I am not sure.  I know that there is a plan in everything, but seriously to start over...that is more than just discouraging to me.  I told him we need to find a new word that really fits my mood.  I have not a single idea what that word could be, but I am more than discouraged.  Only a new 2 month out patient, when this has controlled so much of my life in the past couple years.  There has been so much affected from this.  So sorry this post isn't filled with more joy, but I am discouraged, or more than that today.  And I don't know how to feel.  I have no idea how long my leg damage will continue, or if it might be permanent.  That is very hard.  There is so much hard in this world.  I just want to see good.

And I do, but today, I just want to feel "discouraged".

Thoughts

There are many thoughts that can cross one's mind in a day.  Why is it when you don't want to think about something, you have a tendency to only focus on that?  No matter what you think or do, there it is popping right out at ya!  I have a brain full of thoughts right now.  I wish I could get rid of a few.  There is just far to much to even figure one thing out.  Normally, when it gets to be this much, I am pretty good at saying, "okay, Lord take it all from me right now."  I am not sure that I can do that right now.  I have a very appointment, many personal thoughts, and then of course the never ending thinking about the pain.  Why do I have to let my thoughts consume me?  Why cannot I just push them aside and think about something else?

On Facebook it asks, "What's on your mind."  Sometimes I think really?  That is such a loaded question, and do many of us really want to know what is on someone else's mind.  But for the most part no one ever writes what is really on their mind.  Or they give too much on Facebook, that you are not sure how to respond.

But, what do I know?  I have too many thoughts in my mind, and cannot get rid of them.

Moments

There are moments...fleeting moments that pass by too quickly.  I feel like just maybe I might not have pain, or that I can feel better and get up.  But that all too quickly passes by as soon as I move.  Then I remember how much medicine I have to take in order to feel the best way I do.  I wish there were more moments.  I wish I was better, that I could make everyone happy and say "yes I can move".  I want to move so badly.  I am not sure what to do anymore.  I am struggling with everything.  My faith and hope are keeping me afloat, but that doesn't keep me from crying everyday.
My family feels so far away, and they are in the same house as me.  Before they seemed so far and they were.  Now they are in the same home and they feel even further.  Things are said, or kids are crying, and I am helpless to it.  All of it.  Those moments hurt deep.  Even after all of this is better, the hurt and pain will be there for a long time.  How long until we recover from this as a family?  Too much said, too much done that cannot be undone.  The pain and sadness lingers in this house.  This is not a fun house to be in.  Too much sadness, anger and hurt.
Now, I need to clarify.  Even though I may be drowning in my sadness and sorrow, I am always grateful to the Lord for what He has given me.  And only what HE can do for me.  He keeps me moving one step forward at a time.  And I have so much thanks in my heart for all that people have done and are doing for my family.  It has been amazing, and makes me cry in gratefulness and happiness.  So even though there is the every day sadness of being stuck in this broken body that I seem to not escape; there is a happiness that exists for my children and for the kind people that have helped me.  There is happiness for those that I love, and am so happy for things that are going right for them.  Those that have new little ones on the way, or the ones that just had little ones.  I am excited to meet all of them of course; so yes there is happiness.  I am happy for my friends, and thankful for those who have helped my family.  And my precious little children give me so many moments of joy.

Moments...

Drowning

What more is there to say?  I am drowning in my sorrow, sadness and pain.

Pieces

Pieces of my heart were ripped away tonight.  I am crying in so much pain, because I cannot bear to watch my children leave and sad and crying.  Knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do right now.  I want to throw something, but I know that won't do much good.  I cannot get up and go somewhere, or I would be right there with them.  I want so badly to hold them and sleep with them and never let them go.  I cannot wait for the day that this day living is a far off night mare.  One that hopefully I will never have to think about.  I am not sure when those pieces will be whole again.  I only wish that we could all be whole.  That I could be there hero, the one that can stop there crying, but right now I am causing there crying.  Well, that and their father yanking them away from me.  Telling them one thing and doing another.  They are so confused and when their hearts hurt the way they do, pieces of mine slowly die.  So tonight I will slowly die, while pieces of me are being ripped out of my heart.

Lord, help me.

The Days are getting long...

My days here are long.  I lay here unable to do anything, and all I want to do is get up and walk.  I am so frustrated.  I cry often, but I am not depressed.  I cry because I can't do anything.  I cry because I miss Paul so much, and miss the way we used to be.  Nothing will be the same.  I cry because the pain is so bad.  The nurses do not know how to take care of my leg properly.  I am not sure how many times I have explained this to each one of them, but they still don't get it.  My most recent, grabbed my calf very tight, and then just through it down.  I still have my back to consider.  The pain there has been increasing as well, and pretty sure that is from not the proper log rolls.  It all just is so painful.  The part that rips my heart is how much I miss my kids.  I miss everything.  I even miss them waking me up in the morning, by jumping on me and giving me hugs.  I want them here with me.  I have not been there favorite person for a long time now.  And even though I can't wait for 5 minutes with them, those 5 minutes are almost worse, because they are gone way too fast.  A blink of my eye, and they are gone.  And my heart rips open.  Since I left, my son has told me he is mad at me for leaving him.  Those words are like daggers, and they are being twisted in my heart.  I know that a 5 year old can't possibly comprehend what is going on, but the words hurt the same.  He loves me, I know this.  I am his mom.  It is just that the days are getting so long in here...

Fear

Fear is transpiring from me, as I am trying to figure out life "after" Kim.  Once she leaves everything will dramatically change.  And I am scared.  I have prayed, and I am trying so, so hard to Trust the Lord to help whisper guidance into my ear.  But the waiting for the answer is what gets hard sometimes.  I know that even if I don't feel like I am hearing an answer, I need to get one.  NOW.  My aunt leaves in just a couple days, in fact, she wanted to leave tomorrow.  I didn't want her to leave.  I don't want her to leave.  She has to.  I can tell she is worn and ready to go.  It takes a lot to uproot your life and take care of young kids, an entire house and a woman who has now had two surgeries.  She has been here 3 weeks.  There are no words, to begin, to describe how much I have appreciated  her, or how much I love her.  She is the kindest of women, and truly an angel of God walking on earth.

But because of this, I am scared.  Having a woman of that kind, leave, makes me terribly sad and scared.  I don't want to be, but I am.  I am not sure how my husband will respond.  It will feel like a lot to him.  After all, he has never done any of the responsibilities that I have done.  And then who will take care of me?  Or can I just take care of myself?  Some believe to ship me off to rehab would be best.  Maybe it would.  But then I talk to some others, who believe that if I was to go there I would become depressed and miserable.  I wouldn't see my kids very much, because I know it would be too much for my husband to get off work, pick them up from daycare, go through the papers that need to be gone through, eat supper and then realistically put the kids to bed.  I am in tears.  What do I do?

Where does life go from here?  I am miserable.  I lay here in fear.  The soft, silent tears drowning inside my soul.  Dear Lord, Please whisper to me what to do next.  Please Lord, let your will be done, but if it is, take this pain from me.  Lord, hold my hand into this next chapter.  Stop the inside from crying.  Amen.

Escape

Oh how I wish that I could take this body and escape.  I feel that I have reached my breaking point, and I am not sure how much more crying I could do today.  How I wish that the day before my surgery, back on the 13th of December, I would have picked up Lily one more time.  I would have laughed and played dolls, and just kissed her all over.  Or how I wish that I had Dylan sit on my lap and just hugged him for hours and told him that I am sorry that things would be so difficult.  I would want him to know that it is okay to be mad at me for being gone, but that I really wanted to be right there with him.  That he could miss me, but really I wish that he didn't need to know what that was like to miss me.  I wish that I would have spent more time worrying about being there with them and telling them, as best I could, how the next month would be, other than making sure the groceries were bought and the cleaning was done.  I wish that I could escape and go back to that moment.

I wish that I could be anywhere else than in my mind.  My thoughts that never sleep.  My mind that never shuts off.  Why? Why oh Why?  What is next for me?  When will this be done?  And even when I get my leg back the countless months of trying to be absolutely perfect this time, because the doctors strongly believe that my body cannot handle a next time.  That my body is too worn out, too tired and just has way too much scarring to take care of anything with my back.  So when they say years of recovery, and truly a minimum of a 1/2 year to even somewhat be ready for anything, I follow them to a tee.

I so wish that I could escape tonight and be anywhere other than here.  I am mad, frustrated, disappointed, sad, alone, and in so much pain that I did not know existed.  And then, Paul.  He is frustrated (and has right to be), scared, angry, sad and doesn't know how to handle anything right now.  We are two bodies at what I may be considering rock bottom, colliding with one another, because at the moment we don't know any other way how to deal.  If I could go back to that night before my surgery with Paul, when we were laughing and hugging, and holding one another.  I wish that I could tell him how much I love him for taking on the challenges of what would come next, and that I am sorry that this had to happen to us.  After all I loved that night we had together.

Why cannot I just escape?

Understood

I feel misunderstood.  Most of the time.  I am so tired, of being tired.  I want to get farther, and when I feel like they want me even farther, I push farther.  Then I am told to not over-do, and I don't know what to do.  I am very frustrated that I am unable to walk or move the way I want to.  My back hurts, my leg hurts, my hands hurt, and so much more.  But I don't want to be the negative one, I want to put on a happy face and say happy things.  Be happy, right?  Because after all, people just want to be around the happy people.  The positive people are the people you should put in your life and surround yourself with.  I am a positive person, but I am also a person who is not having the best of moments in my life, and so I don't feel like putting on the positive face right now.  I am just not sure if I am being understood lately.  The way I talk or feel.  

Well, shouldn't we try to help those that are struggling.  And maybe we don't help them by being all cheery, but just by listening.  Jesus was surrounded by those who struggled, because they were looking for HOPE.  He didn't tell them yeah go home be happy.  He didn't push them away and say I can only talk to those who are happy.  He talked to them, and listened to them and he talked with them.  He made them feel human and normal.  He helped them grow.  Jesus is Hope.  And Hope sometimes is all that we have.

I guess I am just feeling misunderstood...

New Year

It is a New Year, and most of the time this means new year resolutions or goals.  Well, for me, I just want to walk again.  I want to hold my children, and to love all over them.  I want to cuddle with my husband in bed and be able to be the way we were.  I am not sure how many weeks of pain I will have to go through until my leg get better.  I am not sure how many months I have to go through until my back feels more like my "new" normal.  I am not sure how many years we will go through as a family healing from all that we have been through.  But I am really praying that all that happens in the least amount of time as possible.  I am working hard at trying not to worry about tomorrow.  God is helping me with that.  Although, I have to admit, for the next couple days, I do have a lot to figure out.

So I guess this is the beginning to my New Year!