Life

Okay so this is not where I envisioned my life to be.  I love my life.  I feel blessed.  But right now I thought I would be a teacher or an accountant.  At the very least I would have a degree with a brighter future.  At times this makes me sad and I wonder if I have disappointed some people.  I know people had huge dreams for me, I mean heck I had bigger dreams for myself.  Ever since I can remember I wanted to be a teacher.  To make a difference in a child's life.  This is why I probably feel like such a failure.

I love my life, and that is not in question.  I have two beautiful children whom I adore with all my heart.  They are perfect to me.  I just cannot believe I have had 11 surgeries and am uncertain what is going to happen with my leg.  Why do we think we can even envision our own lives?  I mean in high school, let me tell you I had it all planned out.  The perfect job, the perfect husband, the perfect house, the perfect kids, the perfect version of myself, and just so happy.  Wow.  I look at that, and why have so much that is so unattainable.  I am guessing that I am not the only one who had "planned out" their life.  Now if you have gotten these things, I am happy for you.  Great for you.  But I am willing to bet, that most who envisioned their lives in high school are not the lives they are living.

So I guess the question for myself is what am I worth?  What defines me as a person?  Is it everything that I am not?  Is it defined by where I thought my life would be?  Or is it something that I do have and have done? I have two beautiful children, and despite my failures and surgeries, I am a great mother.  I have completely sacrificed everything for them.  My pregnancies alone show what kind of mother I am.  Would I do it all over again if it meant putting my life on hold again and feeling like death every day.  In a heartbeat.  No regrets.  They are worth it.  They make the sun shine even on my cloudy, rainy days.  Which I have been having a lot of lately.  They love me, and so I know I have done something right.  Besides, they smile.  That means something.  I am a great wife.  I love unconditionally and with everything I have to offer.  I want him to be happy.  His happiness means so much to me.  And when you love someone I believe that you want to make the other person happier than you try to make yourself.

So maybe I have made mistakes and feel like a failure.  And have had so many surgeries and live in constant pain, that makes living life very difficult.  And maybe my life is not where I thought it would be.  But just maybe life is better than where it would be.  Maybe I am supposed to be right where I am.  Even though it doesn't make sense, and I am left with so many questions.  After all I am not a total failure.  I am a good person, who cares so much about others.  I am a great and wonderful wife and mother.  I have such an amazing family and have had many accomplishments.  So I will try to stop worrying about tomorrow, because tomorrow has enough troubles of its own.  I will try to focus on the today and the now.  God does not give me more than I can bear.  And I am living proof of that.  Or maybe God has given me more than I can bear, so that way I cling to Him with everything I have.  Either way, God is the way through to the end.  He knows the plan.  If He wants it revealed to me, He will.

So this is my life.