Discouraging

I decided yesterday I really strongly dislike the word "discouraging".  I am not without hope, but for whatever the reason, when my doctor said discouraging I wanted to scream.  He kept saying, and I am serious like 20 times, how discouraging this situation must be starting over.  I hate that the last two years were really for nothing.  I am not sure.  I know that there is a plan in everything, but seriously to start over...that is more than just discouraging to me.  I told him we need to find a new word that really fits my mood.  I have not a single idea what that word could be, but I am more than discouraged.  Only a new 2 month out patient, when this has controlled so much of my life in the past couple years.  There has been so much affected from this.  So sorry this post isn't filled with more joy, but I am discouraged, or more than that today.  And I don't know how to feel.  I have no idea how long my leg damage will continue, or if it might be permanent.  That is very hard.  There is so much hard in this world.  I just want to see good.

And I do, but today, I just want to feel "discouraged".