Moments

There are moments when I sit here in my life, and wonder what has become of me.  I feel like so many bits and pieces have been removed from me.  I feel broken, unable to do the things I think that God created me to do.  But the reality is that if God created me to do them, then I believe that I would be doing those things. I think God created this me for a reason, and I just don't know why.  It just all hurts so bad.  I can put a smile on my face, or say the things I think people need to hear.  But right here I can just be me, and say that I hurt.  My leg hurts, my back hurts, and in reality my heart hurts too.  I feel that I have fallen apart, and just wish I could do more.  And just when I feel like there is nothing more of me, I remember that God is big enough to handle this and He will carry me through.  I can know this in my heart, but there are moments when it all just hurts, and my head forgets.

I am having one of those moments tonight.

Night Two

I cannot believe that I got back on the bike again tonight.

Stats = 25 mins and 7 miles

The pain was so much today.  I didn't know how I would make it to tonight.  There were many times I could do nothing else but cry.  I needed to cry.  I am not angry at God in the slightest bit about what has happened to me.  But I am so furious with this body.  I want to regain control over something.  And I am unsure about any other way than to just keep pressing through the pain.  I need to regain some strength.  So no matter what my body felt today, and will tomorrow, I am going to keep pressing forward.  I will try tomorrow night as well.  All the same pain as yesterday happened tonight.  Except today was harder because for most of the day I have been unable to breathe.

I so wish my physical therapist, who has seen me through everything, could be here to help me tomorrow.  I wish that if knowing I did Physical Therapy again, that she would be there.  But she is not here, and if I start that, I have to start over.  I will miss her dearly.

So I did it one more night.  And I hope many more nights to come.  God has carried me through another day.

No Pain, No Gain

I am not sure if this is true...well the pain part is.  Tonight I decided to push myself; and biked:

20 mins = 5.5 miles

The pain was so much.  The moment my right foot hit the pedal, it was the same spiked nerve pain in my foot and leg that I experienced the day after my surgery.  So much pain.  Nothing I can do to stop it or control it.  Every day the same.  And not just my leg.  My pacemaker was burning, and it made it so hard to breathe.  I was gasping for air.  Holding my heart/pacemaker as hard as my hands could to slow down the heart rate and the burning.  I was determined.  I just wanted to prove that I could do it.  I needed to feel like I could do something.  My back pain was out of control, and yet at the same time it was screaming at me to push further.  To strengthen myself so it could support me with less pain.  That is what I want.  So, the entire time I biked, the pain was almost unbearable.  Yet, I kept saying I can do one more minute.  I just need to do one more minute.  And so I did.  For 20 mins.  Some may not think much of this, but for me this is my first step.  I have the same pain laying down.  Why not try to see if I cause more pain, I will gain something?  I am trapped now of course.  My leg totally unable wanting to move...every part of me aches.  But it masks the ache that my heart feels.  That my body feels.  Tonight I have a different pain.  A pain that is at the same time, pleasure.  I know that I did it.  I know that my back needs this.  So I will lay in pain tonight, as my leg is throbbing and my heart is burning.  It was worth it.

Will I gain anything from tonight?  I am not sure.  The pain was there, and I suppose I gained the confidence in knowing that I did it.  And that I will try again.  The pain will not go away, but I can try to help it.  I will push myself further.

Pain = Gain

The Lord will guide my steps.

Pain

The pain is intolerable tonight.  How can I be stronger than this?  How do I stop my sobs?  I want to be stronger, tougher and get past this.  But how?  I am frozen in this broken body, and it is so hard.

The pain has won tonight.

Rate your pain

I was thinking of the levels of pain.  You may or may not know, but when you go in for most things, the doctor asks you on a scale from 1-10 please rate your pain.  This is always a hard one for me.  See I have been told, and truly believe that I have a very high tolerance for pain.  I actually know this to be true, since I have been told by 6 doctors!  But my point is I usually rate my pain from a 6-9.  I have never said a 10, even though there are moments in days, or right after surgery that I would love to say 10.  But here is the thing, I always think of the one person out there who is going through so much more pain then me.  The one who has more suffering and must be at a 10.  I know and would say, I have two people whom I know very well that were in a motorcycle accident yesterday.  You may ask them, if they would come to in the ICU, to "rate your pain".  My gosh, how can they rate their pain.  They need bone reconstruction, and so much that I cannot even think of.  My heart pours out to them.  So even my VERY worst possible days, which today is one of them, I cannot rate my pain a 10.  For there are worse people suffering this very minute, and I only pray that a fraction of their pain can be taken from them, because I pray that only a fraction of my pain will be taken from me.  I can't help but sit here and cry for the pain I am in, but also for the pain that these two incredible people must be feeling.  Lord, be with them.  Guide them and give them strength.  For I know that without your strength, I would not be here today.  I would have not fought all those times you whispered in my ear to fight.  I would have given up.  Next time you rate your pain, like my mom said tonight, she has a headache, her pain feels like an 8.  Then she thinks of what I am experiencing and that rate goes to a 3.  We are all allowed to feel pain, and rate our pain according to our experience and body tolerances.  But always remember that there is someone else out there at this very moment suffering far more pain.  In that moment, take a deep breath, decide your rate is lower, and pray for those that suffer far more.

How do you rate your pain?

Crying

I am so tired of this broken body.  I feel like it has ruined so much of my life.  I keep telling myself that God has an ultimate plan for all of this, but what could this be?  I am crying so hard, and falling apart in despair, and I need Him so much.  I feel so alone.  I hate this...I hate falling apart.  I know it is probably good for me, but I am so tired of crying.  Lord, I am crying out to you tonight.  Please help me to know what I am supposed to do about everything.  Please Lord, give me some kind of light in this darkness right now.  Lord, only you can provide.  And only you can dry my tears.

I am tired of crying.

This is a hard day

This day has not been easy.  My pain has been worse than most days.  I could handle things if it was just one part, my back, my heart or my leg.  But today, it has been all three.  How does that happen?  Why does that happen?  My back feels like I have allowed my kids to jump on my scar over and over.  My heart feels broken in so many ways.  My leg has been heavy and harder to move.  That scares me.  I still have no idea what anything means for me.  So this day has not been an easy one.  This day I need to gather strength, where there is no strength other than with my conversation with the Lord.  I hate these days, because usually too much on my mind means that I don't sleep well.  And I am already tired.  Maybe today I will decide that it is done.  I will try and wake up tomorrow with a new hope.  After all, if we don't have hope in brighter days and better things to come, what is there to look forward to.

I will remember this day as a hard day.  Praying that tomorrow is a better one.