There are moments when I sit here in my life, and wonder what has become of me. I feel like so many bits and pieces have been removed from me. I feel broken, unable to do the things I think that God created me to do. But the reality is that if God created me to do them, then I believe that I would be doing those things. I think God created this me for a reason, and I just don't know why. It just all hurts so bad. I can put a smile on my face, or say the things I think people need to hear. But right here I can just be me, and say that I hurt. My leg hurts, my back hurts, and in reality my heart hurts too. I feel that I have fallen apart, and just wish I could do more. And just when I feel like there is nothing more of me, I remember that God is big enough to handle this and He will carry me through. I can know this in my heart, but there are moments when it all just hurts, and my head forgets.
I am having one of those moments tonight.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Night Two
I cannot believe that I got back on the bike again tonight.
Stats = 25 mins and 7 miles
The pain was so much today. I didn't know how I would make it to tonight. There were many times I could do nothing else but cry. I needed to cry. I am not angry at God in the slightest bit about what has happened to me. But I am so furious with this body. I want to regain control over something. And I am unsure about any other way than to just keep pressing through the pain. I need to regain some strength. So no matter what my body felt today, and will tomorrow, I am going to keep pressing forward. I will try tomorrow night as well. All the same pain as yesterday happened tonight. Except today was harder because for most of the day I have been unable to breathe.
I so wish my physical therapist, who has seen me through everything, could be here to help me tomorrow. I wish that if knowing I did Physical Therapy again, that she would be there. But she is not here, and if I start that, I have to start over. I will miss her dearly.
So I did it one more night. And I hope many more nights to come. God has carried me through another day.
Stats = 25 mins and 7 miles
The pain was so much today. I didn't know how I would make it to tonight. There were many times I could do nothing else but cry. I needed to cry. I am not angry at God in the slightest bit about what has happened to me. But I am so furious with this body. I want to regain control over something. And I am unsure about any other way than to just keep pressing through the pain. I need to regain some strength. So no matter what my body felt today, and will tomorrow, I am going to keep pressing forward. I will try tomorrow night as well. All the same pain as yesterday happened tonight. Except today was harder because for most of the day I have been unable to breathe.
I so wish my physical therapist, who has seen me through everything, could be here to help me tomorrow. I wish that if knowing I did Physical Therapy again, that she would be there. But she is not here, and if I start that, I have to start over. I will miss her dearly.
So I did it one more night. And I hope many more nights to come. God has carried me through another day.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
No Pain, No Gain
I am not sure if this is true...well the pain part is. Tonight I decided to push myself; and biked:
20 mins = 5.5 miles
The pain was so much. The moment my right foot hit the pedal, it was the same spiked nerve pain in my foot and leg that I experienced the day after my surgery. So much pain. Nothing I can do to stop it or control it. Every day the same. And not just my leg. My pacemaker was burning, and it made it so hard to breathe. I was gasping for air. Holding my heart/pacemaker as hard as my hands could to slow down the heart rate and the burning. I was determined. I just wanted to prove that I could do it. I needed to feel like I could do something. My back pain was out of control, and yet at the same time it was screaming at me to push further. To strengthen myself so it could support me with less pain. That is what I want. So, the entire time I biked, the pain was almost unbearable. Yet, I kept saying I can do one more minute. I just need to do one more minute. And so I did. For 20 mins. Some may not think much of this, but for me this is my first step. I have the same pain laying down. Why not try to see if I cause more pain, I will gain something? I am trapped now of course. My leg totally unable wanting to move...every part of me aches. But it masks the ache that my heart feels. That my body feels. Tonight I have a different pain. A pain that is at the same time, pleasure. I know that I did it. I know that my back needs this. So I will lay in pain tonight, as my leg is throbbing and my heart is burning. It was worth it.
Will I gain anything from tonight? I am not sure. The pain was there, and I suppose I gained the confidence in knowing that I did it. And that I will try again. The pain will not go away, but I can try to help it. I will push myself further.
Pain = Gain
The Lord will guide my steps.
20 mins = 5.5 miles
The pain was so much. The moment my right foot hit the pedal, it was the same spiked nerve pain in my foot and leg that I experienced the day after my surgery. So much pain. Nothing I can do to stop it or control it. Every day the same. And not just my leg. My pacemaker was burning, and it made it so hard to breathe. I was gasping for air. Holding my heart/pacemaker as hard as my hands could to slow down the heart rate and the burning. I was determined. I just wanted to prove that I could do it. I needed to feel like I could do something. My back pain was out of control, and yet at the same time it was screaming at me to push further. To strengthen myself so it could support me with less pain. That is what I want. So, the entire time I biked, the pain was almost unbearable. Yet, I kept saying I can do one more minute. I just need to do one more minute. And so I did. For 20 mins. Some may not think much of this, but for me this is my first step. I have the same pain laying down. Why not try to see if I cause more pain, I will gain something? I am trapped now of course. My leg totally unable wanting to move...every part of me aches. But it masks the ache that my heart feels. That my body feels. Tonight I have a different pain. A pain that is at the same time, pleasure. I know that I did it. I know that my back needs this. So I will lay in pain tonight, as my leg is throbbing and my heart is burning. It was worth it.
Will I gain anything from tonight? I am not sure. The pain was there, and I suppose I gained the confidence in knowing that I did it. And that I will try again. The pain will not go away, but I can try to help it. I will push myself further.
Pain = Gain
The Lord will guide my steps.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)