Reasons

In the Bible, we are told there is a time for everything.  I know that this is true, but sometimes a person may wonder why is there a time for "this".  I mean seriously, what good can come from this?  Why would this need to happen?  I am not really wondering why, but just wish that answers would come faster than they actually do.  I know there is a reason for everything.  And so I will wait to find out my reasons.  I will try and wait very patiently to discover why things are happening in my life and the reasons behind them.

Discouraging

I decided yesterday I really strongly dislike the word "discouraging".  I am not without hope, but for whatever the reason, when my doctor said discouraging I wanted to scream.  He kept saying, and I am serious like 20 times, how discouraging this situation must be starting over.  I hate that the last two years were really for nothing.  I am not sure.  I know that there is a plan in everything, but seriously to start over...that is more than just discouraging to me.  I told him we need to find a new word that really fits my mood.  I have not a single idea what that word could be, but I am more than discouraged.  Only a new 2 month out patient, when this has controlled so much of my life in the past couple years.  There has been so much affected from this.  So sorry this post isn't filled with more joy, but I am discouraged, or more than that today.  And I don't know how to feel.  I have no idea how long my leg damage will continue, or if it might be permanent.  That is very hard.  There is so much hard in this world.  I just want to see good.

And I do, but today, I just want to feel "discouraged".

Thoughts

There are many thoughts that can cross one's mind in a day.  Why is it when you don't want to think about something, you have a tendency to only focus on that?  No matter what you think or do, there it is popping right out at ya!  I have a brain full of thoughts right now.  I wish I could get rid of a few.  There is just far to much to even figure one thing out.  Normally, when it gets to be this much, I am pretty good at saying, "okay, Lord take it all from me right now."  I am not sure that I can do that right now.  I have a very appointment, many personal thoughts, and then of course the never ending thinking about the pain.  Why do I have to let my thoughts consume me?  Why cannot I just push them aside and think about something else?

On Facebook it asks, "What's on your mind."  Sometimes I think really?  That is such a loaded question, and do many of us really want to know what is on someone else's mind.  But for the most part no one ever writes what is really on their mind.  Or they give too much on Facebook, that you are not sure how to respond.

But, what do I know?  I have too many thoughts in my mind, and cannot get rid of them.

Moments

There are moments...fleeting moments that pass by too quickly.  I feel like just maybe I might not have pain, or that I can feel better and get up.  But that all too quickly passes by as soon as I move.  Then I remember how much medicine I have to take in order to feel the best way I do.  I wish there were more moments.  I wish I was better, that I could make everyone happy and say "yes I can move".  I want to move so badly.  I am not sure what to do anymore.  I am struggling with everything.  My faith and hope are keeping me afloat, but that doesn't keep me from crying everyday.
My family feels so far away, and they are in the same house as me.  Before they seemed so far and they were.  Now they are in the same home and they feel even further.  Things are said, or kids are crying, and I am helpless to it.  All of it.  Those moments hurt deep.  Even after all of this is better, the hurt and pain will be there for a long time.  How long until we recover from this as a family?  Too much said, too much done that cannot be undone.  The pain and sadness lingers in this house.  This is not a fun house to be in.  Too much sadness, anger and hurt.
Now, I need to clarify.  Even though I may be drowning in my sadness and sorrow, I am always grateful to the Lord for what He has given me.  And only what HE can do for me.  He keeps me moving one step forward at a time.  And I have so much thanks in my heart for all that people have done and are doing for my family.  It has been amazing, and makes me cry in gratefulness and happiness.  So even though there is the every day sadness of being stuck in this broken body that I seem to not escape; there is a happiness that exists for my children and for the kind people that have helped me.  There is happiness for those that I love, and am so happy for things that are going right for them.  Those that have new little ones on the way, or the ones that just had little ones.  I am excited to meet all of them of course; so yes there is happiness.  I am happy for my friends, and thankful for those who have helped my family.  And my precious little children give me so many moments of joy.

Moments...