Crying

I am so tired of this broken body.  I feel like it has ruined so much of my life.  I keep telling myself that God has an ultimate plan for all of this, but what could this be?  I am crying so hard, and falling apart in despair, and I need Him so much.  I feel so alone.  I hate this...I hate falling apart.  I know it is probably good for me, but I am so tired of crying.  Lord, I am crying out to you tonight.  Please help me to know what I am supposed to do about everything.  Please Lord, give me some kind of light in this darkness right now.  Lord, only you can provide.  And only you can dry my tears.

I am tired of crying.

This is a hard day

This day has not been easy.  My pain has been worse than most days.  I could handle things if it was just one part, my back, my heart or my leg.  But today, it has been all three.  How does that happen?  Why does that happen?  My back feels like I have allowed my kids to jump on my scar over and over.  My heart feels broken in so many ways.  My leg has been heavy and harder to move.  That scares me.  I still have no idea what anything means for me.  So this day has not been an easy one.  This day I need to gather strength, where there is no strength other than with my conversation with the Lord.  I hate these days, because usually too much on my mind means that I don't sleep well.  And I am already tired.  Maybe today I will decide that it is done.  I will try and wake up tomorrow with a new hope.  After all, if we don't have hope in brighter days and better things to come, what is there to look forward to.

I will remember this day as a hard day.  Praying that tomorrow is a better one.

Life

Okay so this is not where I envisioned my life to be.  I love my life.  I feel blessed.  But right now I thought I would be a teacher or an accountant.  At the very least I would have a degree with a brighter future.  At times this makes me sad and I wonder if I have disappointed some people.  I know people had huge dreams for me, I mean heck I had bigger dreams for myself.  Ever since I can remember I wanted to be a teacher.  To make a difference in a child's life.  This is why I probably feel like such a failure.

I love my life, and that is not in question.  I have two beautiful children whom I adore with all my heart.  They are perfect to me.  I just cannot believe I have had 11 surgeries and am uncertain what is going to happen with my leg.  Why do we think we can even envision our own lives?  I mean in high school, let me tell you I had it all planned out.  The perfect job, the perfect husband, the perfect house, the perfect kids, the perfect version of myself, and just so happy.  Wow.  I look at that, and why have so much that is so unattainable.  I am guessing that I am not the only one who had "planned out" their life.  Now if you have gotten these things, I am happy for you.  Great for you.  But I am willing to bet, that most who envisioned their lives in high school are not the lives they are living.

So I guess the question for myself is what am I worth?  What defines me as a person?  Is it everything that I am not?  Is it defined by where I thought my life would be?  Or is it something that I do have and have done? I have two beautiful children, and despite my failures and surgeries, I am a great mother.  I have completely sacrificed everything for them.  My pregnancies alone show what kind of mother I am.  Would I do it all over again if it meant putting my life on hold again and feeling like death every day.  In a heartbeat.  No regrets.  They are worth it.  They make the sun shine even on my cloudy, rainy days.  Which I have been having a lot of lately.  They love me, and so I know I have done something right.  Besides, they smile.  That means something.  I am a great wife.  I love unconditionally and with everything I have to offer.  I want him to be happy.  His happiness means so much to me.  And when you love someone I believe that you want to make the other person happier than you try to make yourself.

So maybe I have made mistakes and feel like a failure.  And have had so many surgeries and live in constant pain, that makes living life very difficult.  And maybe my life is not where I thought it would be.  But just maybe life is better than where it would be.  Maybe I am supposed to be right where I am.  Even though it doesn't make sense, and I am left with so many questions.  After all I am not a total failure.  I am a good person, who cares so much about others.  I am a great and wonderful wife and mother.  I have such an amazing family and have had many accomplishments.  So I will try to stop worrying about tomorrow, because tomorrow has enough troubles of its own.  I will try to focus on the today and the now.  God does not give me more than I can bear.  And I am living proof of that.  Or maybe God has given me more than I can bear, so that way I cling to Him with everything I have.  Either way, God is the way through to the end.  He knows the plan.  If He wants it revealed to me, He will.

So this is my life.