Drowning

What more is there to say?  I am drowning in my sorrow, sadness and pain.

Pieces

Pieces of my heart were ripped away tonight.  I am crying in so much pain, because I cannot bear to watch my children leave and sad and crying.  Knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do right now.  I want to throw something, but I know that won't do much good.  I cannot get up and go somewhere, or I would be right there with them.  I want so badly to hold them and sleep with them and never let them go.  I cannot wait for the day that this day living is a far off night mare.  One that hopefully I will never have to think about.  I am not sure when those pieces will be whole again.  I only wish that we could all be whole.  That I could be there hero, the one that can stop there crying, but right now I am causing there crying.  Well, that and their father yanking them away from me.  Telling them one thing and doing another.  They are so confused and when their hearts hurt the way they do, pieces of mine slowly die.  So tonight I will slowly die, while pieces of me are being ripped out of my heart.

Lord, help me.

The Days are getting long...

My days here are long.  I lay here unable to do anything, and all I want to do is get up and walk.  I am so frustrated.  I cry often, but I am not depressed.  I cry because I can't do anything.  I cry because I miss Paul so much, and miss the way we used to be.  Nothing will be the same.  I cry because the pain is so bad.  The nurses do not know how to take care of my leg properly.  I am not sure how many times I have explained this to each one of them, but they still don't get it.  My most recent, grabbed my calf very tight, and then just through it down.  I still have my back to consider.  The pain there has been increasing as well, and pretty sure that is from not the proper log rolls.  It all just is so painful.  The part that rips my heart is how much I miss my kids.  I miss everything.  I even miss them waking me up in the morning, by jumping on me and giving me hugs.  I want them here with me.  I have not been there favorite person for a long time now.  And even though I can't wait for 5 minutes with them, those 5 minutes are almost worse, because they are gone way too fast.  A blink of my eye, and they are gone.  And my heart rips open.  Since I left, my son has told me he is mad at me for leaving him.  Those words are like daggers, and they are being twisted in my heart.  I know that a 5 year old can't possibly comprehend what is going on, but the words hurt the same.  He loves me, I know this.  I am his mom.  It is just that the days are getting so long in here...

Fear

Fear is transpiring from me, as I am trying to figure out life "after" Kim.  Once she leaves everything will dramatically change.  And I am scared.  I have prayed, and I am trying so, so hard to Trust the Lord to help whisper guidance into my ear.  But the waiting for the answer is what gets hard sometimes.  I know that even if I don't feel like I am hearing an answer, I need to get one.  NOW.  My aunt leaves in just a couple days, in fact, she wanted to leave tomorrow.  I didn't want her to leave.  I don't want her to leave.  She has to.  I can tell she is worn and ready to go.  It takes a lot to uproot your life and take care of young kids, an entire house and a woman who has now had two surgeries.  She has been here 3 weeks.  There are no words, to begin, to describe how much I have appreciated  her, or how much I love her.  She is the kindest of women, and truly an angel of God walking on earth.

But because of this, I am scared.  Having a woman of that kind, leave, makes me terribly sad and scared.  I don't want to be, but I am.  I am not sure how my husband will respond.  It will feel like a lot to him.  After all, he has never done any of the responsibilities that I have done.  And then who will take care of me?  Or can I just take care of myself?  Some believe to ship me off to rehab would be best.  Maybe it would.  But then I talk to some others, who believe that if I was to go there I would become depressed and miserable.  I wouldn't see my kids very much, because I know it would be too much for my husband to get off work, pick them up from daycare, go through the papers that need to be gone through, eat supper and then realistically put the kids to bed.  I am in tears.  What do I do?

Where does life go from here?  I am miserable.  I lay here in fear.  The soft, silent tears drowning inside my soul.  Dear Lord, Please whisper to me what to do next.  Please Lord, let your will be done, but if it is, take this pain from me.  Lord, hold my hand into this next chapter.  Stop the inside from crying.  Amen.

Escape

Oh how I wish that I could take this body and escape.  I feel that I have reached my breaking point, and I am not sure how much more crying I could do today.  How I wish that the day before my surgery, back on the 13th of December, I would have picked up Lily one more time.  I would have laughed and played dolls, and just kissed her all over.  Or how I wish that I had Dylan sit on my lap and just hugged him for hours and told him that I am sorry that things would be so difficult.  I would want him to know that it is okay to be mad at me for being gone, but that I really wanted to be right there with him.  That he could miss me, but really I wish that he didn't need to know what that was like to miss me.  I wish that I would have spent more time worrying about being there with them and telling them, as best I could, how the next month would be, other than making sure the groceries were bought and the cleaning was done.  I wish that I could escape and go back to that moment.

I wish that I could be anywhere else than in my mind.  My thoughts that never sleep.  My mind that never shuts off.  Why? Why oh Why?  What is next for me?  When will this be done?  And even when I get my leg back the countless months of trying to be absolutely perfect this time, because the doctors strongly believe that my body cannot handle a next time.  That my body is too worn out, too tired and just has way too much scarring to take care of anything with my back.  So when they say years of recovery, and truly a minimum of a 1/2 year to even somewhat be ready for anything, I follow them to a tee.

I so wish that I could escape tonight and be anywhere other than here.  I am mad, frustrated, disappointed, sad, alone, and in so much pain that I did not know existed.  And then, Paul.  He is frustrated (and has right to be), scared, angry, sad and doesn't know how to handle anything right now.  We are two bodies at what I may be considering rock bottom, colliding with one another, because at the moment we don't know any other way how to deal.  If I could go back to that night before my surgery with Paul, when we were laughing and hugging, and holding one another.  I wish that I could tell him how much I love him for taking on the challenges of what would come next, and that I am sorry that this had to happen to us.  After all I loved that night we had together.

Why cannot I just escape?

Understood

I feel misunderstood.  Most of the time.  I am so tired, of being tired.  I want to get farther, and when I feel like they want me even farther, I push farther.  Then I am told to not over-do, and I don't know what to do.  I am very frustrated that I am unable to walk or move the way I want to.  My back hurts, my leg hurts, my hands hurt, and so much more.  But I don't want to be the negative one, I want to put on a happy face and say happy things.  Be happy, right?  Because after all, people just want to be around the happy people.  The positive people are the people you should put in your life and surround yourself with.  I am a positive person, but I am also a person who is not having the best of moments in my life, and so I don't feel like putting on the positive face right now.  I am just not sure if I am being understood lately.  The way I talk or feel.  

Well, shouldn't we try to help those that are struggling.  And maybe we don't help them by being all cheery, but just by listening.  Jesus was surrounded by those who struggled, because they were looking for HOPE.  He didn't tell them yeah go home be happy.  He didn't push them away and say I can only talk to those who are happy.  He talked to them, and listened to them and he talked with them.  He made them feel human and normal.  He helped them grow.  Jesus is Hope.  And Hope sometimes is all that we have.

I guess I am just feeling misunderstood...

New Year

It is a New Year, and most of the time this means new year resolutions or goals.  Well, for me, I just want to walk again.  I want to hold my children, and to love all over them.  I want to cuddle with my husband in bed and be able to be the way we were.  I am not sure how many weeks of pain I will have to go through until my leg get better.  I am not sure how many months I have to go through until my back feels more like my "new" normal.  I am not sure how many years we will go through as a family healing from all that we have been through.  But I am really praying that all that happens in the least amount of time as possible.  I am working hard at trying not to worry about tomorrow.  God is helping me with that.  Although, I have to admit, for the next couple days, I do have a lot to figure out.

So I guess this is the beginning to my New Year!